Deep within the pit of midnight inside the Zappos Campus, ancient stalking figures turn the wheels of the insomniac giant. This team of nighttime warriors almost singlehandedly uphold the Zappos promise to be available 24 hours a day, sacrificing sunlight and access to any business closing at 5 pm. One such figure is Zapponian Paul W. Once believed to be a legend in the vein of Bigfoot, Paul was recently confirmed manifest by a passing Zapponian raiding the Bistro off regular business hours for a midnight snack.
A proud member of the fabulous Zappendales, Paul Walker's e-mail skills are so magnanimous that he makes answering a phone call look like live chatting a tweet. But how can this figure of Olympian online correspondence cope with the tedium of a world that doesn't understand his art? Often, he copes by dressing up all lady-like. Today, we take a long hard look into the abyss to determine the man, the myth, the motorcyclist. (Paul only agreed to speak with us if this interview was clothing optional…)
This first question comes with a challenge. There are five words you are not allowed to use in your answer. The five words are "dance, sing", "gyrate", "guitar", and "showgirl".
PW: So you can say them, but I cannot.
Right, I can say them. You can't point to me and say "Say this one". That would be cheating. The question is "What do you do in the Zappendales?"
PW: I am the lead singer--
(BUZZ) You can't say "singer".
PW: You see, I didn't see "singer" [on the list] just "sing" and that threw me off!
You can't say "singer". You can't say variations of the words: "singer", "dancer", etc.
PW: Ok, I am the "baws" (spelled B-A-W-S) of Zappendales. Just so we're clear on that. I make the decisions and what I say goes. When it does not, I throw a tantrum in my trailer, because that is what we celebrities do.
What is the greatest foe that Captain Anomaly (your secret alter ego) has ever faced and what did Captain Anomaly (who you don't want anyone to know is you) do about it, Captain Anomaly?
PW: Doctor Normality. In the eyes of the public, I would like to say I vanquished him through providing excellent customer service. He likes to keep things toned down; he likes to mess with people. He likes to delay their shipments. And I like to go above and beyond, stop him, do what I can to WOW our customers and keep him at bay.
And when that doesn't work, I found his address through our friends in order verification, and I set him on fire. He won't be delaying shipments any time soon!
What do the letters Z, A, P, P, O, and S mean to you?
PW: Misspelled "Zappendales".
This next question is for the ladies.
PW: Well, I have the figure of a malnourished twelve-year-old-girl, so I think I can still answer this one.
Uh, I mean this question is for their benefit.
PW: Oh, oh! Right. Of course! Of course.
Z: If you could be any shoe, what would you be and why?
PW: [Slams his shoe on the table] I would be a Vibram® Five Finger®. I am wearing the KSOs. You can actually get those on Zappos.com! Free one business day shipping and returns. 365- day return policy! I don't know if you knew that…
Z: Final question, I just want your opinion on something.
PW: Definitely shave it.
Z: Uh... not that. I often entertain my team with my spot-on impression of you. I wanted to get your opinion on it. [Does an absolutely perfect Paul Walker impression]
PW: Do you mind if I give you a little bit of feedback? I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I hope that's ok with you. I just like to give it straight…to give all the truth and just plow it straight on. Is that going to be all right?
There were too many clothes, alright? That's not my style. There was not enough pelvic gyration…I can say gyration now, right? That was just for that first question?...and you didn't express any of my amazing talents or skills: my dance moves, my convincing brow to lure the ladies in, so those are my recommendations.
There you have it! After speaking to Paul, I learned what a quick wit and comedic mastermind he is! I can see why he is such a popular member of the Zappos family. Thanks so much, Paul!